It’s been a year.. I am supposed to be hitting my stride in this place called sobriety. But I am still so thirsty. There are days and days on end when I feel the only thing on my mind is relapse. I allow people, places and things to get into my head, my heart and mind and that I know from experience is as deadly as pulling out a gun. I am so fragile in spirit in mind everything affects me. I can shift so quickly from one state of mind to another so rapidly it frightens me. I had hoped to be stable and on my way to somewhere by now.. but where exactly was I supposed to be after one year?? Who defines the places we go in our journey, where will we stop along the way? Who will we let in or allow to ride along beside us?? Will we be successful at closing the door on relationships that before treatment were destructive and tearing us down? Huge questions & emotional challenges came before me each and everyday as to how I will stay alive & thrive following by 30 days in recovery. I am so weary of this place, of the pitfalls of the journey and the people in it. I am too kind-hearted for those I have brought along beside me, I am wounded, aching and in pain most days yet I smile through it all and try to pace myself keep the face of an angel the one god gave me because it only through gods grace that I even still exist..I repent of the daily sins in my heart and of my past. I am desperate need of forgiveness from those I hurt through my addiction it will be a long road. I cannot undo what has been done and it pains my soul deeply to relive it over and over but I will continue to fight for justice for my children’s sake for those moments of my life that I catch brief shiny glimpses of that bring such hope of a future full of happiness and contentment, their love & trust things I long and live for..I will not give in.
There are so many things I have to be thankful for today. My father spoke to me today with such happiness in his voice after his stroke on 11/4/14 and many prayers later I call that deliverance, answered prayers or whatever cosmic thing that others may feel played a role in his recovery with opposite beliefs to mine..I support and love you all. Whatever it was I believe it’ was God answering my prayers that he stay here with me just a bit longer, we have so much more to learn about each other. I love you Daddy ❤
My Children Aubrey, Kelia, Jenna & Julien, 😀 my heart sings when I remember some of the amazing times we have had in our lives and let go of the past.. I love you all so very much, my heart and soul are with you always ❤
My Sisters, Pam, Elaine, Rhonda. Lisa and Baby brother JR I love you all so very much and am beyond the words grateful for who we are today in each others lives it sends chills down my arms as I write just of all the memories we have shared and the life we have left in front of us it’s a blessing to counted amongst you. I LOVE YOU!! But I LOVE US MORE!!
To my Neighbor Deanna, her beautiful children, my fearless bible study leader Keely and ALL of her beautiful family all friends through bible study and church. To three young missionaries that came to me to the word of the Lord with me recently you are so meaningful in my life… God bless you and the work that all of you do to bring people like me to Christ.
Lastly to those people in my life Shawna, Mom & Mike that have been there for me years loving me unconditionally you are not gone, not forgotten. I feel your pain over the changes that we have all gone through together. I am so grateful that we have maintained a relationship.
Lean into god with all of your might he has the answers we all seek.. I believe the lord brings people together for a specific purpose and only time will tell what OURS is in each others life. For now to Bobby I wish you nothing but success in your recovery this year..
To Ben, Ross, Tami…So grateful the alumni lol from Mary Lyon elementary survived to meet again and everyone out there that I may have missed you are on my heart and in my mind today I am grateful for your friendship and look forward to continuing it into the new year,
To Mommy & Grammy hope heaven is full of great things for you both & Grandpa too! You are missed ❤
Happy Thanksgiving to you ALL
Sex can be very healing and euphoric leaving you rested and with a feeling of pure satisfaction and giant ear to ear grin (that’s me). It can also sabotage recovery if you jump in too soon and with wrong person. I would consider myself to be a smidge of a sex addict in that I think about sex a lot more than I should in the course of an average day. Truth is I just plain miss it 😦
How long has it been for me? When am I going to have it again? Will it be good? Who will it be with? The next thing I know I am full of sexual anxiety, my skin is crawling with sexual tension and I am super frustrated. I of course know how to take care that but it’s just not the same…
Leading to more frustration, more anxiety, more sexual tension…Why am I so over charged? Personally I blame my history with drugs, overall media constantly flooding my eyes with images of sex, myself for wanting a super charged, erotic sex life that leads to satisfaction EVERYTIME.. or almost every time, because I have been so frustrated in the past.
What I truly seek is the emotional and physical connection to another human being that can only be truly fulfilled in a committed relationship…BUT damn if know I know how to find that perfect “fit” pardon the expression.
NO not there 😀 get your mind out your pant’s but thanks for playing along with me. While that is also equally as important to me for that to work too, so don’t feel bad for going there a moment ago my mind thinks that way too, because that is who I am.
I am finally ok with saying yes! That matters to me out loud, because you have to be able to state what it is you want and what matters to you up front not blatantly or in a way that makes the other person uncomfortable or run screaming from the room.
But..If we are ever going to get our needs met in order to know the person you are dating is right for you some thing must be stated, not on the first date. I see no harm in stating that sexual chemistry is important as important as intellectual chemistry would be on a first date and it’s not there, it’s not there. I want to be the right fit for you as well. We all want the right fit.
It is human nature to want that perfect partner in and out of the bedroom. The “one” that special he/she that we as females anyway have dreamed about since our teen years. That special guy, the one who will meet us half way, meeting all of our physical and emotional needs.
What a gift that would be. But we roadblock our life needs based on our own negative histories with other people, how many perfect partners have we driven away simply due to our own negative self scripts??
Each prospective mate gets a healthy dose of our past failures rapid fire….whether we realize we are doing it or not. Like it’s some odd test we put them through subconsciously to determine their worthiness or if they are like the guy we dated previously.
Unfortunately if they are truly worthy, healthy, solid human being’s they see right away that we are NOT ready for dating and run screaming “silently” of course as fast they can in the opposite direction. Getting as far away from us as they can, as quickly as they can.
While we stand dazed and confused as to how we managed to let another good one get away?? What are we doing wrong? We have failed to get honest with ourselves is the key, we have not cleaned OUR closets. Once and for all we MUST drag our worst shit out into the streets of our hearts and minds, our worst fears, doubts, aches and pains and free ourselves from it. We need to be liberated from our past lives., boyfriends, dates, failures etc..
Until we do that we will continue to suffer those same horrid experiences and they will end up on the dinner plates of our next date and frankly I am sick of eating my own negative shit dinner when out on a date.
Because of the amount of random past shit we say at the dinner table about our negative history (my personal experience) shared by girlfriends, daughters, sisters etc. time after time there is usually NOT a second date, what about you?
So I commit myself today and everyday to process my baggage in the office of my therapist not the dinner table of my date, to share only positive current events of my life and although my blog may layout my past history it is my history as a writer and a woman also partly my job to share myself with my readers.
BUT!!! it is my past, it is behind me, I no longer carry it around in a backpack to share at dinner, it has been resolved.
My job on my date is to stay up on current events to be interested in my date. To my fellow bloggers in recovery suffering the same fate in dating lately, I hope this helps If you have been successful in dating post recovery please share your strategy I could use your help, I still suffer from first date anxiety 😀 God Bless you all w/Love Catherine