Constantly Thirsty

It’s been a year.. I am supposed to be hitting my stride in this place called sobriety. But I am still so thirsty. There are days and days on end when I feel the only thing on my mind is relapse. I allow people, places and things to get into my head, my heart and mind and that I know from experience is as deadly as pulling out a gun. I am so fragile in spirit in mind everything affects me. I can shift so quickly from one state of mind to another so rapidly it frightens me. I had hoped to be stable and on my way to somewhere by now.. but where exactly was I supposed to be after one year?? Who defines the places we go in our journey, where will we stop along the way? Who will we let in or allow to ride along beside us?? Will we be successful at closing the door on relationships that before treatment were destructive and tearing us down? Huge questions & emotional challenges came before me each and everyday as to how I will stay alive & thrive following by 30 days in recovery. I am so weary of this place, of the pitfalls of the journey and the people in it. I am too kind-hearted for those I have brought along beside me, I am wounded, aching and in pain most days yet I smile through it all and try to pace myself keep the face of an angel the one god gave me because it only through gods grace that I even still exist..I repent of the daily sins in my heart and of my past. I am desperate need of forgiveness from those I hurt through my addiction it will be a long road. I cannot undo what has been done and it pains my soul deeply to relive it over and over but I will continue to fight for justice for my children’s sake for those moments of my life that I catch brief shiny glimpses of that bring such hope of a future full of happiness and contentment, their love & trust things I long and live for..I will not give in.

Thankful <3

There are so many things I have to be thankful for today. My father spoke to me today with such happiness in his voice after his stroke on 11/4/14 and many prayers later I call that deliverance, answered prayers or whatever cosmic thing that others may feel played a role in his recovery with opposite beliefs to mine..I support and love you all. Whatever it was I believe it’ was God answering my prayers that he stay here with me just a bit longer, we have so much more to learn about each other. I love you Daddy ❤

My Children Aubrey, Kelia, Jenna & Julien, 😀 my heart sings when I remember some of the amazing times we have had in our lives and let go of the past.. I love you all so very much, my heart and soul are with you always ❤

My Sisters, Pam, Elaine, Rhonda. Lisa and Baby brother JR I love you all so very much and am beyond the words grateful for who we are today in each others lives it sends chills down my arms as I write just of all the memories we have shared and the life we have left in front of us it’s a blessing to counted amongst you. I LOVE YOU!! But I LOVE US MORE!!

To my Neighbor Deanna, her beautiful children, my fearless bible study leader Keely and ALL of her beautiful family all friends through bible study and church. To three young missionaries that came to me to the word of the Lord with me recently you are so meaningful in my life… God bless you and the work that all of you do to bring people like me to Christ.

Lastly to those people in my life Shawna, Mom & Mike that have been there for me years loving me unconditionally you are not gone, not forgotten. I feel your pain over the changes that we have all gone through together. I am so grateful that we have maintained a relationship.

Lean into god with all of your might he has the answers we all seek.. I believe the lord brings people together for a specific purpose and only time will tell what OURS is in each others life. For now to Bobby I wish you nothing but success in your recovery this year..

To Ben, Ross, Tami…So grateful the alumni lol from Mary Lyon elementary survived to meet again and everyone out there that I may have missed you are on my heart and in my mind today I am grateful for your friendship and look forward to continuing it into the new year,

To Mommy & Grammy hope heaven is full of great things for you both & Grandpa too! You are missed ❤

Happy Thanksgiving to you ALL